The businessman walked unsteadily out of the Stepney Hotel and checked the time on his Rolex wristwatch. It had been a productive meeting and he felt he had thrashed out a good deal. He had imbibed a tad too much brandy and the effect of the fresh air had made him slightly giddy. A red-haired young lady followed him out, she hadn’t taken her eyes off him for the last half hour.He turned to go left and collided with the red-head, knocking them both backwards. He was the first to recover, apparently, and put his arm out to steady her. She grasped his wrist to stop falling over and on regaining her balance, thanked him before disappearing down the next street.
Waiting for her was Slippery Sid and he smiled broadly as she handed him her latest acquisition. “Thank you Maisie,” he said and handed her several banknotes.
She counted them before flouncing off. “I prefer to be called Maz,” she called back to him!
Sid was still smiling, shame she was so young, he thought, she’s going to grow up to be a real stunner! Talented, too. He had been told she was the best pickpocket in town and it looked like she was! He was the proud owner of a Rolex!
It had started to rain and Sid ran the short distance to the nearest public house, the Thomas Arms. Slightly damp, he ordered a pint of Buckley’s Best Bitter and sat next to the bar. The barmaid stayed for a chat with him after she had served his drink, she’d always fancied Sid, even if he was the pub’s shadiest customer. She pulled him another pint, not charging him for it, and winked before she went to serve a heavy-set man who had just entered the pub along with several others. They were all quite wet, the rain had gotten heavier.
An attractive, middle-aged lady sat on the stool next to Sid, sneaking a sly glance at the rugged features of the petty crook. She liked what she saw and was pondering on how to engage him in conversation when Sid looked at his watch. He looked at her then looked again at his watch.
“What’s the matter,” she asked, “is your date late?”
He gave a sardonic grin. “No, not at all,” he said, “I’ve just had a new watch and it can tell me something about the person I’m with!”
The woman laughed. “Yeah, yeah! What is it telling you about me, then?”
“It’s saying,” Sid spoke slowly, “that you are not wearing any underwear!”
She laughed again. “Well, it’s wrong because I am!
Sid looked at her, then at the watch, then her again. “Sorry cariad, the bloody thing must be an hour fast!”
____________________________
Sid had decided to settle down, now, after all he was seventy-five years old! He was in good physical shape and there was nothing wrong with his brain, it still functioned as sharply as it ever did. His one failing, he reckoned, was his memory, that was not as good as it used to be!
He had been courting Chloe for several weeks and had persuaded her that they should live together. She was, even at her age, sixty-four, a striking figure. First, though, they agreed that they should work out the details of how their relationship was going to succeed in order to avoid any misunderstandings or, more importantly, Sid thought, disappointments!
Best done in a pleasant atmosphere, thought Sid, so he invited her to the Thomas Arms for lunch. Here they had a long discussion about their future. They talked about finances, living arrangements, and all manner of things that affected them both. Sid, not trusting his memory, took notes on every point they covered. The conversation seemed to be coming to an end when Sid, being Sid, thought he should mention the physical side of the relationship!
With a glass of wine in one hand and his pencil in the other he asked bluntly, “How do you feel about sex?”
“Well,” said Chloe, choosing her words carefully, “I have to say I would like it infrequently!”
“Hmm,” said Sid, “is that one word or two?”
SID’S SCOTTISH HOLIDAY.
The snow had fallen heavily for the last three days and Sid was beginning to get bored. So bored, in fact, that he allowed his Scots friend, Angus, to talk him into going on a skiing holiday in the Scottish Highlands, the Cairngorms! They took a train, well, three actually, to Inverness, and hired a Land Rover in which to complete their journey to Glenshee where they planned to stay!
After driving for only twenty minutes, they got caught in a fierce blizzard. “We are going to have to find somewhere to spend the night, Sid,” Angus told his pal, “it’s getting bluddy worse!”
“Over there, look, a light,” Sid pointed excitedly to a pinprick of yellow light in the distance. “Can we get there?”
It took them nearly fifteen more minutes to navigate the icy road before they managed to reach a small farm. They knocked on the door and explained their plight to the attractive, thirty-something, auburn-haired woman who had answered.
“Can we please spend the night?” was Sid’s desperate plea!
“The weather’s atrocious, aye, but I’m all alone in ma’ house and I’ve only recently had a divorce,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbours will have a field day with their gossiping if I let ye stay overnight. Dae ye ken whit I mean?”
Angus shrugged as he admitted defeat but Sid, whose eyes had darted everywhere, had noticed the barn.
“What about that barn,” he suggested, “we’ll be more than happy to sleep there. And if the weather breaks we’ll be gone at first light!”
The woman agreed, she wasn’t happy about leaving them to venture out in these treacherous conditions and this compromise was a face saver!.
When morning arrived, they found the storm had subsided and a weak wintery sun cast long shadows in the snow. True to their promise they went on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing!
Almost a year later Angus received a letter from an Inverness-based law firm. It took him a few minutes to work it out and realise that it was from a lawyer who was representing the auburn-haired beauty whose farm they had stayed overnight in, during the skiing holiday!
He went to see Sid.
“Do you remember that redhead from the farm up in Scotland?” Angus asked his friend. ”Last year,” he added.
“Er, yes! I remember her!” Sid looked decidedly shifty!
“Well, did you, umm, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go to the farmhouse and pay her a nocturnal visit?”
“Yes, okay, I got to admit I did!” Sid looked embarrassed at being found out.
“And did you by any chance give her my name and not your own?”
Sid actually blushed! He turned beetroot-red! He nodded. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have but I did. Why are you asking after all this time?” He thought he knew the answer!
Angus gave a broad grin and replied, “She’s just died and left me everything!